Yesterday, I got the ‘official’ news that none of my remaining 4 embryo’s made it to freezing. The delay in telling me was down to the Family Day weekend break…lovely. No second, third, fourth or fifth chances for us then. I feel like it’s game over, in every sense.
I already ‘knew’ in my heart that none would survive (considering they were all 4-celled at day 3, where as they should have been 8). No polite positivity from the nurse and Dr could disguise the fact that none of the embryo’s were where they were supposed to be.
I didn’t expect the news to hurt so much….but it did. It hurt like any real loss. Not only a loss of 4 potential lives, but a loss of hope. For another chance. A loss of future dreams. And I think that only people who have ever done IVF or ICSI will really ever appreciate that.
Not only did the news of the remaining embryo’s demise fill me with sadness ( I think I had a period of around 3 hours yesterday where I WASN’T balling my eyes out), but it filled me with the awful realization that honestly, my eggs are just fried. As the transfer was of two ‘slower’ growers (6 and 7 cells), it just doesn’t bode well for those transferred either.
In fact, I’ll go as far to say this……..I just KNOW I’m not pregnant. I just know my body, I know my heart, and unfortunately now, I feel I know my eggs. I am not going to be a birth mother. And I feel so broken. I feel like a failure.
In addition to the hard confirmation that my eggs are crap, I have had no symptoms to suggest a good implantation took place. I felt a few cramps on Day 6 and 7, but reading back on my failed IUI cycles, I had cramps then too. BFN. I have no sore breasts (did have sore bb’s up until the trigger drug left my body, around 3dp3dt. Since then, nothing. I had nightsweats the other night, and leg cramps…but again, I had that in my IUI cycles, which as we know, were BFN. Bloating gone, no OHSS, nothing. I know if I was to stop the Progesterone now, I would get my period in about 3 to 4 days.
My clinic hasn’t scheduled my beta until 17 days past fertilization! (26th Feb), which I think is pretty absurd. There is no way I’m waiting that long to hear the bad news, so I will start testing from tomorrow (7dp3dt , or the equivalent to 10 days past ovulation in the old fashioned way). Once I test negative to day 14, I will DEMAND to come in for a blood beta test, just so this horrible, nasty chapter of my life is over for good. And then I’m getting drunk. I’m getting so, damn drunk.
I’m angry! Angry at my body, angry at being so secretly hopeful, angry at being in debt with nothing but heartache to show for it..angry that I have had to be silent about our sadness on Facebook, watching female relatives and friends pop out 8 babies in the last 6 months. Oh, all those beautiful baby photo’s! And the complaints of sleepless nights! How awful for them. Angry that despite knowing that in all honesty, I probably COULD get pregnant with IVF eventually, but it would take 2 or 3 goes at it (apparently the average is 3 attempts before a birth)..and I’m so fucking angry that because of stupid money, we can’t do it. Money. I hate it with a passion.
And do you know what made me REALLY angry? Yesterday, after I heard about the embryo’s, the ‘Patient Co-ordinator’ (read, the one who tries to drum up business for the clinic) emailed me to say:
“We would like to book your cycle follow-up appointment with Dr. D….for March 5th”
I politely replied that there would be no point, seeing as we can’t afford another cycle so we are not going to benefit from a deconstruction of this failed cycle. And do you know what she replied back?
“Ok, sorry to hear that. I’ll pass your remarks to Dr. D.”
And that was it. No aftercare, no tact…nothing. It was TOTALLY a business call to try and secure another $14,000 out of us for another cycle. Fuck them. This isn’t about patient care…it’s about making as much freakin’ money out of desperate women as possible. She dropped me like a red-hot potato once I said the money-well had run dry. Is that the norm? Do us cash-cows get abandoned like that all over North America? Are women EVER offered any psychological counseling or therapy to deal with the devastation of a final negative? Because if you haven’t gathered by now, I feel like I’ve now got some major new mental baggage to deal with, once the IVF drugs have all left my body for good.
I’m sorry for being so negative. Actually…no. Fuck that. I’m not sorry. I feel SORRY for myself and my wonderful wife, who so deserves to be a mother, but now, thanks to me leaving this TTC thing too late, will never be. Silly me for wanting to wait until we were settled, stable with 9 years of a great marriage behind us and with resources to look after a child! I should have done it like my younger sister, and got pregnant at 17 whilst still living at home with mum and dad.
Last night, I had what I can only think was an anxiety attack in bed. My chest tightened up so much, I physically couldn’t breathe. I had a pain in the ‘heart’ itself. I just had to take slow, full breaths to ease the tightness. I finally got to sleep after listening to a maternity meditation mp3, silently willing my embies to still be alive… but was woken up by something again at 2.30am, and that was it. I didn’t get back to sleep at all. I just lay in bed, silently weeping and entertaining the darkest, hopeless thoughts. It’s 8.26am now as I write this, and again, I can’t stop crying for what might have been. I know some of you will say, “But you haven’t tested yet!”…I can’t explain it. But I just know, and I want this pain to end.
The only good in my world right now is my wife. I love you, babygirl. Without you, the world and all it’s injustice can just fuck right off. I know…I’m just not a nice person today. Just had to get it out.